Local Shoutout!

John Carlson #89 TE
Birth Date
May 12, 1984
Birth Place
St. Cloud, MN
Height 6-6
Weight 255 lbs.
Age24
Position TE
College Notre Dame

Next Game:
Seahawks at VikingsFriday 8/8, 8:00 PM ET

How cool would it be to play your very first NFL game in your home state. (I mean ideally you'd play *for* the home team but--) The Carlson family has an undeniable genetic propensity for sports. (Both parents and all siblings are collegiate athletes.) They still live in Sartell, MN and have been really grounded through the whole experience. Currently he is the projected starter in the developing Seahawks offense. As Brady Quinn's favorite target throughout his career in Notre Dame look for this hometown hero to start becoming a household (or at least a fantasy football) name to know.

Really?

Author's note: Thanks, to everyone for sticking with me through my hiatus. A wedding is a hell of a thing to prepare for especially when its your own. I'd also like to thank my co-author (Travis) for not stealing too much of the spotlight from my bride.

Across the AP wire this morning came a surprising read. Brett Favre has been traded. No that wasn't terribly shocking, as he has been demanding a trade for nearly a month now... No, the shock set in when we read that his trade was to the Jets.

So here is a long-shot prediction. Favre will re-retire before the end of the season. Here's why:

1. Season/career-ending injury. He's old he's on a much worse team than the Packers which means he will be expected to perform miracles and try things his body cannot keep up with. He has had a tumultuous off season that has left little to no time for upkeep and physical improvement. His stamina, cannot be where it is. Combine that with the fact that unless the Jets jump ship and leave their conference-- they have no chance of a playoff run and Favre will know that by week 2. So he won't grit out the little "ouchies" the way the old Iron-man used too. That and he is on the Madden '08 cover... He's screwed.

2. He gives up. Mid-way through a game somewhere between week 6-9. He's going to realize something in a landslide "O-moment". The Jets are bad. I'm not talking their last season 4-12 record bad... No I'm talking about from the bi-polar fans of New York who *have* a Superbowl team in their city already. To the hodge-podge collection of never-proven coaches. This team will sit in awe of Favre (as player's of this caliber should). He might miracle out a couple wins. But remember he's a gun-slinger. And this defense cannot hold up or get the ball back the way a GB of Minn. defense can/could... They simply aren't that good.

No, Brett Favre will play out another sub-par year with a dismal team and the hall of fame QB will forever have a Joe Montana stain of "and then he went to 'those guys'", marring his undeniably awesome career.

Many people are finger pointing about this whole affair as Aaron Rodgers takes snaps to the tune of "you suck," and "we want Favre back!"

I believe there is plenty of blame to go around. Favre did kind of handle the situation like a primadonna whiner. And Ted Thompson et al. in the Packer's management office treated him like an unwanted pregnancy. For all their talk about Rodger's being "their guy" I just couldn't believe that they would then be so scared of Favre playing against them that they would then put "poison pills" into his trade verbiage. Stating that "if" the Jets were to then trade Favre to MN the Jets would owe GB 1-4 round draft picks.

How ridiculously paranoid can you be?

No New York has it's very own unique flavor of crazy and I simply don't see the Iron-man wading through those waters very long. Maybe if he played on a good team. But the Jets are many things... Good is not one of them.

Tamper This!

Another chip into my theory regarding the Pack's notorious boy-wonder.

The AP is reporting that The Packers have brought up tampering charges against the Vikings (specifically their offensive coordinator), regarding Brett Favre's potential return. http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-vikings-favre&prov=ap&type=lgns

While the No. 4 would look awful good in purple and gold I don't think he is worth jeopardizing the future of the franchise.

What really confuses me through all this is how little communication everyone has with one another. I think any kind of "tampering charges" should be summarily dismissed on grounds of nobody has a freaking clue what is going on.

So here is a cast list:

Ted Thompson: (GM of Packers) has said he would like to see the Packers look towards the future with new QBs and would welcome Brett Favre's return... (Yes that was an oxymoron)

Brett Favre: Has come in and out of the retirement train over the last 5 years than Anne Heche has from the closet. So he doesn't even know what he wants... but he sure as hell wants it!

Brad Childress: Possibly the only guy who like a broken record keep spinning out the same lame line, "Tarvaris Jackson is our guy. [until week 4 when he strains something and his back up does slightly less terrible then when Tarvaris returns in weeks 7-8 he will do mediocre at best but the fans will boo us to a decision to bench him and we'll likely pick up some fossil on the free agent list who is terrible but will guide our terrible offense enough to not turn over the ball. He will then take our likely 4-4 team to a 5-3 finish where we might get a wild card berth only to fail in the playoffs like usual....]" Can you tell I've heard this song and dance before? Daunte Culpepper, Brad Johnson, Randall Cunningham... the list goes on.

Last but not least Darrell Bevell: Who was just innocently started calling his old coachee around the time Favre said he might want to come out of retirement... 3-5 times a week. I mean sure they were old buddies from the 2003-2005 seasons in GB. That's why Favre always made sure he walked across the field and the first person he went to was his good buddy Darren Bevell... (wait this just in... that never happened)

Acquaintances at best and it pretty much is text-book tampering... unless the Vikes can somehow prove that everyone involved is too dumb to be malicious.... A defense that practically writes itself.

Setting Your Standards Low

Like an eager young man walking through the door looking for his blind date... the pictures had made her to look gorgeous. The personality profile was perfect. Match.com said they were made for each other. So giddy so eager to see the woman of his dreams... Until he spotted that little rose on a blouse, that was 10 dress sizes bigger than the profile. Her make up was smeared with the grease of an already devoured appetizer, and her charming personality came out in one full resounding belch that could tremble the entire cafe.

What does every Internet dating site have in common with this blog... Simple the morale of the story: Set your expectations low.

Too many times I've been coerced into seeing movies (albeit long after their release) by my so called friends, only to waste away hours of my life on bland predictable useless story lines, and equally drab acting.

At least when I waste my money going to the theater to see a film I can be that guy who warns people-- Don't go see the new Indian Jones! There are aliens... and it sucks.

Instead I see a film and I'm moderately intrigued by the premise, but never get around to actually seeing it. Year(s) go by and my friends all swear it is the most amazing film they've ever laid eyes on. Eventually coerced I go and watch said film only to have the whole "mystery" figured out in the first 10 minutes, and then proceed to spend the next 1:50 hours hoping to God I was wrong. Only to be proven right.

The latest tragedy of over hyped films was "Lucky Number Slevin" for me. This action movie with strands of plot line probably would have received about 3 1/2 Kansas City Shuffles out of 5 from me... *IF* it hadn't been so badly hyped.

It was a decent enough shoot 'em up film. But, when everyone says it has a plot twist that rivals, 6th sense or Usual Suspects... well lets just say I felt a little disappointed when I finally got in bed with this "superstar" only to realize the tiny stature of the plot line.

The only thing that left me scratching my head at the end of this one was the thinly veiled "add-on" scenes that were completely unnecessary to the so-called plot, but undoubtedly the directors felt they didn't use super-star Lucy Lieu enough already so they tossed on a couple quickies to make her feel more appreciated not bothering to explain the significance of her character to any of the storyline.

So again I can never stress this enough; lower your expectations for movies and you can never be upset with how they turn out.

I mean look at the Star Wars trilogy. Episode 1 nearly destroyed an entire generation of nerds, and fan-boys. Midochlorians screwed up the whole affair so bad many people never saw the remaining films. And what does Lucas do? He lowered our expectations so bad that he could have filmed Jar-Jar Binks taking a dump in the woods with his next 2 and we would have been wowed by them. (It helps that he actually delivered good films and we were *really* impressed!)

So in that light, I give Lucky Number Slevin 2 death by fastballs out of 5. And would like to remind everyone to always lower your expectations, and you too can date a supermodel from the Internet. (As long as you define "supermodel" as "super-sized" model.)

Homerun Derby blunders

In a recent report Tom Brady and scores of angry Boston fans have demanded Eli Manning should give up his Super Bowl trophy...

"It's no fair we came out of the gate and scored first... if it had only been a 3 quarter game the Patriots would be the winners in this one," said Brady. " The rules screwed us over."

Okay, that was fake. But, what wasn't fake is Hamilton's performance. Yes, even a coked up junkie can hit the ball over the fence in historic Yankee stadium I guess that gives hope to all the NY Mets fans that their team too may have a chance.

And despite Hamilton's amazing story, and amazing first round. Here's some facts.

1. Nobody cares about the home run derby. It's more meaningless than a political party's convention for presidential candidates. The All-stars were already picked.

2. Hitting long balls with your own grandmother tossing under-handed pitches to you should not be some big deal. These guys are paid professionals. Maybe if Johann Santana was throwing heaters at the corners it would mean something. But, any schmuck can bomb the ball tossed lightly at them by their batting coach.

3. Yes Hamilton hit a lot of long balls in the first round. (Record breaking even) But the hare also started with a big lead, and Rudy was told he would never be more than a redshirt. However, last time I checked the derby was not 1 round. It was 5. The tortoise passed the hare, and Rudy was a tragedy of a film for young Master Samwise.

4. Nobody cares the derby trophy is meaningless... (yes I know that was No. 1, I just wanted to emphasize.

5. It doesn't matter that "Hamilton's story was soo much better" Real life is not a fairy tale. Real life is he didn't tough it out. One of the best sports movies I've ever seen was Friday Night Lights (SPOILER ALERT:)

Because they don't do it. Because in real life the "best story," the most heart-warming tale of personal tragedy and grief doesn't always make them good enough. I blame sports writers across America for labeling Hamilton "the uncrowned champ" Way to take away from Morneau. He paced himself, he won. No Barry Bonds' style victory, no Tanya Harding, just plain the better batter in the Tee-ball derby.

So the morale of this story: Have a morale to your own story and you too can have 2nd place eclipse first... as long as your story makes you a recovering junkie, alchie, and you hit more whiffle balls over the fences than Abreau.

And you too can be the best 2nd place finisher ever!

Bird, Jordan, and the Magic in those "pump-able" shoes

Remember not so long ago when the Internet was something Al Gore had yet to create, cell-phones were those huge clunky things only the wall-street brokers could afford, and our President only lied about BJs from interns?

Yes, that's right 1992. A magical year where the best-of-the-best proudly represented the USA in the summer Olympics. Not only jail-bait gymnasts who broke their legs for their country... but grown Americans. Professional athletes who donned the red, white and blue with pride. The Dream Team.

The magic that team captured has to be one of the best known to the world of sports. These athletes put aside their professional teams, their differences, their "off-season" and most importantly --- themselves.

In their struggle to represent America in the Olympics this team has done something no current basketball players seem to know how to. Play as a team.

The modern NBA has become a 1-man road show with lackluster efforts, no defense, and a "me-first" mentality that makes the Yankees go "D**n!"

(If you aren't sure what I'm talking about watch any game involving the "MVP" Kobe Bryant play.)

I'll save my laundry list of complaints against the NBA as a whole for another post. Today I'm talking about pride, about playing as a team. About something that has not been seen in Team USA since that legendary "dream team".

Last Olympics USA took bronze. Bronze, a flavor never previously known to American basketball players. After all we invented the sport, we should only be natural "heir-apparent" to all gold medals in the sport for at least 3 decades after the sport is introduced.

Now I know there are several foreign NBA players (although Steve Nash's Canada hardly counts) but, there are literally millions of up-and-coming college hoops programs that could have just as easily walked away with gold from last year's Olympic pool... why? Because they play as a team.

Because at the end of the day college players play for each other. They play for the coach, they play for that stupid blue devil, or awesome blue jayhawk. They play for pride, for their parents in the stands, for their chance to get out of the projects. College players would play for America.

Last Olympics the team consisted of mostly "b-line" players (notably because the headline players declined on account of being to full of themselves) and a few big time players.

AI (who's pass-button has been turned into another shoot button in all NBA games.) Tim Duncan, Dwayne Wade, and several other players who know how to put the "me" into team. (you switch the letters around)

Mike Krzyzewski, former assistant coach to the '92 squad, knows it will be a challenge to reverse the effects of 2004's Team USA dismal performance.

To counter these things he has assembled an all-star clan that could rival the pure fire-power of the '92 Dream team. Including Dwight Howard, Kobe Bryant, Jason Kidd, and returner Dwayne Wade, he is locked and loaded with more bullets in the chamber than Team USA has had in a decade.

"I think it's the commitment we needed to make to put us in a position we'll have the best chance to win," Krzyzewski said in an ESPN interview. "Now we have to follow through and win."

Commitment is where these super-stars will likely fail. Kobe Bryant when he isn't raping women in hotel rooms is far too much of a primadonna to play nicely with the veterans. Kidd is a Gold-winning veteran, but has lost a step (and some commitment from the looks of last season). Dwayne Wade will likely see his first Social Security check come rolling in by the time he reaches Beijing, and Howard-- well a little short to be playing center... Even if it is an Olympic center.

Krzyzewski certainly has his work cut out for him this summer, but more importantly these all-stars have the hardest job of all...not on the court, because talent alone could win them a gold (and should) but in their own heads. Can they beat up that little "me-devil" that seems to be implanted in every kid the day they sign that fat NBA contract? Or are they just going to be another "in-your-dreams" team?

Baseball's Midsummer...Screwjob

As the first half of the 2008 baseball season ends, the only All-Star Game that actually makes matters is just around the corner.

This year's All-Star game is played in Yankee Stadium in its last year before being replaced by a gaudy $1.3 billion ballpark.

Of the big three sports and hockey, baseball has the worst All-Star game. Other parameters make will make this one the worst yet.

First, interleague play has diluted the nature of the All-Star game. The feeling of the game is to prove which league is overall better. Because of interleague play, we know the American League will win.

Only two teams in the AL didn't finish with a winning record in interleague play, the Toronto Blue Jays (8-10) and Cleveland Indians (6-12). No National League team broke double digits in wins, while 11 out of 14 teams in the AL had more than 10.

Even the Chicago Cubs, top team in the NL at 57-37 (plus one game against San Francisco), went a subpar 6-9 and a 5.20 ERA.

The only reason to watch the game is to see the player of your choice preform. That's good when your player gets two innings and possibly one at-bat.

And that even depends on what if your player is popular enough to go, not deserving enough to be there.

Baseball is unique that the coach of the World Series team picks the line-ups for the All-Star game. Every team must have at least one player and there are about thirty positions to fill, along with the fans.

It's a good thing the injured David Ortiz can start. I don't know what we would be able to do with an All-Star game without a injured designated hitter batting .252 starting.

Ortiz doesn't deserve it, but gets it because of his name. Credit to Entirely "Sports"* Profiting Network for only showing the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees.

*Sports includes, but not limited to; NASCAR, poker, pool, year-round NFL draft coverage and more poker.

Yes, All-Star games are for the fans. But the problem lies in how much weight the name "All-Star" carries.

Take former pitcher Bert Blyleven. In 22 seasons, he is 5th all-time in strikeouts (3701), 9th all-time with 685 starts and in shutouts with 60. His post-season stats are exceptional with an ERA of 2.47 and 5-1 with two world series wins.

The two strikes against him are his only two All-Star selection and no Cy Young awards. All-Star selections shouldn't carry into a call from Cooperstown, just because your team isn't on E"S"PN.

Who really loses out in the All-Star game? The fans.

New York is a fitting place for this game because of the last season in the "house that Ruth built." Hotels in the area are smiling while charging over $400 a night this week. Ticket prices, according to the Sports Business Daily, have soared between $150-$725 to watch your favorite player for two innings.

Last year's ticket prices at AT&T Park were between $75-$285.

MLB, I salute you. Way to screw your fans by inviting players that shouldn't be there and jacking up prices for everyone.

The only All-Star game that matters needs quite the overhaul.

Aiming Left to Those Who Think Right

For whatever reason, NASCAR has a huge following.

I don't get it, but in a time where gas prices are soaring towards and over four dollars a gallon, watching a "sport" where 50 guys take left turns 300 times around a mile-long oval still has a market.

The latest racing news, not involving Danica Patrick, came from the political scene.

Earlier this week, BAM Racing gave sponsorship offers for three presidential candidates on Ken Schrader's number 49 car. Obviously the two major hopefuls, John McCain and Barack Obama, and one third-party hopeful.

There can be many ways to describe NASCAR fans. One of them isn't democrat or left-leaning.

Obama's campaign decided not to take BAM racing's offer.

Why not? Aren't you suppose to aim towards markets who don't typically don't see your point of view.

I understand that you should market to an audience, but a little too much and you end up preaching to the choir. Nothing wrong with trying new things.

Sure, Schrader's car isn't exactly "American made" in Toyota and the team has given up to $5 thousand to different republican candidates over the last election. But they offered the deal to Obama's campaign.

In spite of that, Nascar is still the number one spectator *ahem* sport in the nation. Obama should try to reach out to another audience. The only downside would be Obama's campaign lost money and fail to win the ever-growing "Nascar Dad" vote.

The potential upside is much higher. Even if Obama was able to steal a few votes from the "Nascar Dads," it would be worth it in a close political race.

By no means do I think this sponsorship, probably no bigger than a cardboard cereal top on a car, is going to even put Obama 'over-the-top' and win the ever-so-important demographic, but if you can steal a few votes by getting your name out there. Why not?

If the McCain campaign really attacks Obama for a non-american car, something tells me McCain's priorities may be a little misplaced.

However, it is a risk worth taking in the Obama front. Try to steal a few votes from the people that only think about the "left" as the next turn up ahead.

You may steal a little votes from the NASCAR dads, but the buzz around the political world and the press' attention would be worth it.

The Untouchables

Like Harrison Ford coming back from the dead to make another Indian Jones movie so to has the NFL's oldest relic been rumored to be "pulling a Jordan". Not even 6 months after a tearful goodbye to the game of football the Hall of Famer Brett Favre has been rumored to be "looking at getting back into the game."

So here's the catch.

Aaron Rodgers is so sick of this guy he literally tweaked out in an interview on Jim Rome's show a few weeks ago saying, "I'm their [Packers] guy. If you don't like it you can just keep your mouth shut."

It's not often I agree with unbelievably egotistic, with random un---- cessary pauses Rome.

But in this case I'd have to agree, "you don't tell your fans to shut up." Especially if those fans are Packer fans. (Who most notably rate the Packers somewhere near Jesus, and beer.)

So when Brett Favre starts sniffing around edges it leads to a lot of tension for the Pack. What do you do?

Option 1: Put your whole program on hold for another year of 10-6 with a good but not quite there playoff run?

Thus also delaying the development of an already aging and clearly pissed off Rodgers.

Option 2: You tell Favre to suck it up and deal with his own decision. Risking total fan revolt. Because if the Packers as a whole rank near Jesus than Favre himself is actually above God in the chain of coolness. Favre gets mopey for a season and maybe makes some snap comments. Fans dissent at first and maybe come back next season after things cool down. Aaron Rodgers leads the Pack to a 7-9 season good enough for mediocre draft class and the program is back on track to re-building a young defensive team.

Option 3:

Trade Favre. Re-sign and then trade him away. (Right: is a terrible artist's rendition of what Favre may return as for the 2008-09 season) It seems like a viable possibility only because Favre could make that happen. Apparently some stoned sportscasters are actually predicting the Vikings to make a good playoff run, AND being just 1 ingredient shy of being a Superbowl contender... that's right a defnsive end who doesn't drink and drive.

Oh and a quarterback. Jackson is not going to cut it.

Now I know that picture just made millions of Packers fans pee their own pants in anger (he he... good). But it is a possibility. The Vikings have never had a QB last more than 1/2 a season in the last several decades. So even if the Iron man Favre were to come down with something half-way through the season... well they'd be used to it.

Some other potential teams could include the Falcons ( close to his hometown, still a somewhat decent team and definitely lacking a QB that doesn't abuse animals.)

Or possibly The Seahawks, Holmgren and Favre go way back, and Hassleback has proven unreliable. Seattle fans are getting anxious with all that talent and no championship to show for it.

Yes, Packer Fans this could be the beginning of the end for the Favre-is-only-our-guy mentality. Or it could be the continuation of the ending of his career that has been dragged out for the last 5 years. Either way I just hope the Hall of Famer never stops doing Cealis commercials, because nothing gets a guy hard quite like Farve tossing a football.

(Follow-up story: http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-packers-favre&prov=ap&type=lgns ) I love it when I'm proven right!

Favre released means he could stay in the division, a trade would inevitably be to an AFC team that has significantly less chance of playoff potential...Guess where he'd rather be.

This Week in Cinema

Movie of the Week: Hancock

Without Will Smith I think I would have lost all faith in July movies. Who else on this planet has the super-human ability to make us care about a jobless father, a lame cowboy, a pilot married to a stripper, or -- a drunken superhero.

This anti-hero story takes the "marvel comic" cookie cutter and throws it out the window. Not to underplay the vital role of Jason Bateman's character... because there is nothing like a good sidekick. However, if you are looking for anything more than an explosive entertaining flick, you'd probably have better luck checking out Wall-E's use of no language. The closest thing to a character revelation through out is beautifully summarized by Smith's character, "I'm Hancock, and um -- I drink a lot".

The morale: Don't drink and use super powers.

Still I give it 4 "le petite asshol"s out of 5.

New Rental: 10,000 BC

Assuming I could get over the gaping plot holes: amazing teeth, perfect hygiene, geographic impossibilities, and dialect that put Shakespeare to shame...

IF I could have gotten over all of those issues, there was still the slight issue of a weak plot, bad acting, and cheesy computer graphics.

Other than those small issues 10,000BC was a fantastic adventure, of a whiny main character that walks more than the Trees in Lord of the Rings. A little less dramatic music and a little more character development would have been nice.

Morale of the story: White people have always been evil... and apparently they also built the pyramids...

Should probably use that $1 at McDonald's to buy a double cheeseburger rather than rent this one from the Redbox. Might be healthier than the mind rot that will ensue from actually watching this film.

1 Mannock Hunter out of 5.

Looking Forward:

Ingredients 1 dead, gay cowboy, toss in a little face paint... automatic blockbuster. Gear up fan boys and dust off your costumes, the Dark Knight has returned.

The pitcher formerly known as C.C.

In a bold move the reigning AL Cy Young winner has dropped the bullets. No Longer will fans be able to call out to beloved former Indian's pitcher by the old "C dot C dot"... But rather the pitcher announced in a recent press conference he will be only known as "Cee-Cee Sabathia" a bullet-free man with a rekindled sense of purpose... A bold move for a bold man.

In that same press conference Sabathia also announced he'd be changing jerseys and pitching a few miles north of Cleveland, possibly the most important facet of this strikeout pitcher's speech was nearly lost --- the importance of dropping those two bullets. To allow the new brew-filled magic to begin.

Since Carsten Charles Sabathia first entered the league he has always kept his rooting fans confused and unorganized about how to pronounce the "C.C."

"It's a new team and I just want to lose the negative energy [associated with those two notorious bullet points]" said Sabathia. "I think the CC will be better for everyone to understand what I'm trying to do out there."

And lose all that negative energy he did.

The Cleveland ace had gone 6-8 this season suffering from the legndary, "I-got-my-big-fat-contract-and-my-Cy-Young-so-I-don't-have-to-try-as-hard-anymore" slump that so typically affects many MLB players, and under-fed orphans in New Guinea.

His ERA had inflated to nearly a 4.00 and his strikeouts... well actually he still was striking out more often than a dungeon master trying to boost his charisma bonuses at the high school prom.

But the new and improved CC Sabathia is untouched by the evil karma atttached to those two bullet points. The bullet point free Sabathia is %100 ready to go. Already boasting a perfect record (1-0) as he overwhelmed the ninjas from Colorado. A team that can score without touching home plate (a hard feat to defend against).

And although his control was not anywhere it was last season. Teammates, and the owner chalked it up to "nerves". Because they were really hoping it was that--- and not that CC Sabathia will pitch as poorly as C.C. did just a few miles south.

"There are nerves," Ned Yost, Milwakee owner, said. "There's excitement. And it's hard to keep yourself calm in these situations."

Calm-schmalm.

As the 6-foot 7-inch, 290lbs. bullet-free Sabathia left the mound for the final time in ysterday's game he let out a gutteral howl of pleasure. Lumbering away from the rubber to end the 6th CC had shown those bullets what was up. Giving up only 2 ER, and still making batters look goofy.

His howl was an announcment to the intoxicated fans in Milwakee that their new bullet-free Cee-Cee was there to stay.

"It was just kind of a release," Sabathia said. "You'll see that from me from time to time -- not much, but from time to time. I get riled up, I have to let it out."

You go Cee-Cee. Go and release all the pent-up energy those bullets have always denied you.