Setting Your Standards Low

Like an eager young man walking through the door looking for his blind date... the pictures had made her to look gorgeous. The personality profile was perfect. Match.com said they were made for each other. So giddy so eager to see the woman of his dreams... Until he spotted that little rose on a blouse, that was 10 dress sizes bigger than the profile. Her make up was smeared with the grease of an already devoured appetizer, and her charming personality came out in one full resounding belch that could tremble the entire cafe.

What does every Internet dating site have in common with this blog... Simple the morale of the story: Set your expectations low.

Too many times I've been coerced into seeing movies (albeit long after their release) by my so called friends, only to waste away hours of my life on bland predictable useless story lines, and equally drab acting.

At least when I waste my money going to the theater to see a film I can be that guy who warns people-- Don't go see the new Indian Jones! There are aliens... and it sucks.

Instead I see a film and I'm moderately intrigued by the premise, but never get around to actually seeing it. Year(s) go by and my friends all swear it is the most amazing film they've ever laid eyes on. Eventually coerced I go and watch said film only to have the whole "mystery" figured out in the first 10 minutes, and then proceed to spend the next 1:50 hours hoping to God I was wrong. Only to be proven right.

The latest tragedy of over hyped films was "Lucky Number Slevin" for me. This action movie with strands of plot line probably would have received about 3 1/2 Kansas City Shuffles out of 5 from me... *IF* it hadn't been so badly hyped.

It was a decent enough shoot 'em up film. But, when everyone says it has a plot twist that rivals, 6th sense or Usual Suspects... well lets just say I felt a little disappointed when I finally got in bed with this "superstar" only to realize the tiny stature of the plot line.

The only thing that left me scratching my head at the end of this one was the thinly veiled "add-on" scenes that were completely unnecessary to the so-called plot, but undoubtedly the directors felt they didn't use super-star Lucy Lieu enough already so they tossed on a couple quickies to make her feel more appreciated not bothering to explain the significance of her character to any of the storyline.

So again I can never stress this enough; lower your expectations for movies and you can never be upset with how they turn out.

I mean look at the Star Wars trilogy. Episode 1 nearly destroyed an entire generation of nerds, and fan-boys. Midochlorians screwed up the whole affair so bad many people never saw the remaining films. And what does Lucas do? He lowered our expectations so bad that he could have filmed Jar-Jar Binks taking a dump in the woods with his next 2 and we would have been wowed by them. (It helps that he actually delivered good films and we were *really* impressed!)

So in that light, I give Lucky Number Slevin 2 death by fastballs out of 5. And would like to remind everyone to always lower your expectations, and you too can date a supermodel from the Internet. (As long as you define "supermodel" as "super-sized" model.)

This Week in Cinema

Movie of the Week: Hancock

Without Will Smith I think I would have lost all faith in July movies. Who else on this planet has the super-human ability to make us care about a jobless father, a lame cowboy, a pilot married to a stripper, or -- a drunken superhero.

This anti-hero story takes the "marvel comic" cookie cutter and throws it out the window. Not to underplay the vital role of Jason Bateman's character... because there is nothing like a good sidekick. However, if you are looking for anything more than an explosive entertaining flick, you'd probably have better luck checking out Wall-E's use of no language. The closest thing to a character revelation through out is beautifully summarized by Smith's character, "I'm Hancock, and um -- I drink a lot".

The morale: Don't drink and use super powers.

Still I give it 4 "le petite asshol"s out of 5.

New Rental: 10,000 BC

Assuming I could get over the gaping plot holes: amazing teeth, perfect hygiene, geographic impossibilities, and dialect that put Shakespeare to shame...

IF I could have gotten over all of those issues, there was still the slight issue of a weak plot, bad acting, and cheesy computer graphics.

Other than those small issues 10,000BC was a fantastic adventure, of a whiny main character that walks more than the Trees in Lord of the Rings. A little less dramatic music and a little more character development would have been nice.

Morale of the story: White people have always been evil... and apparently they also built the pyramids...

Should probably use that $1 at McDonald's to buy a double cheeseburger rather than rent this one from the Redbox. Might be healthier than the mind rot that will ensue from actually watching this film.

1 Mannock Hunter out of 5.

Looking Forward:

Ingredients 1 dead, gay cowboy, toss in a little face paint... automatic blockbuster. Gear up fan boys and dust off your costumes, the Dark Knight has returned.